Mrs. Beamish stands in church, expression calm and holy,
And when the organ plays, she mumbles hymns extremely slowly.
A pillar of St Botolph's for twenty years or more,
She does the flowers at Easter, and the brasswork on the door.

But recently St Botolph's has gained a brand new vicar
His name is Ken, he's single, and he wants the hymns sung quicker.
And he's introduced a custom that Mrs. Beamish hates,
So she rounds upon the person standing next to her and clearly states-

"Don't you dare shake hands with me, or offer signs of peace,
You lay a finger on me and I'll send for the police.
Don't whisper "peace be with you" -this is the C of E.
So bend the knee, say thou and thee, and keep your hands off me."

Ken tells us love your neighbour, and Mrs. Beamish sneers,
"I only love my neighbours if I've known them thirty years."
Even when it isn't Christmas, he lets youngsters in the Church,
And he's altered all the music, after audience research.

They shout out alleluia, they don't act like me and you,
The young women don't wear hats, and the young men often do.
And they seem to let their hands enthusiastically run
Till they turn to Mrs. Beamish, and they feel her acid tongue.

"Don't you dare shake hands with me, I don't know where you've been,
You lay a finger on me and you'll feel this tambourine.
Don't whisper "peace be with you", this is the C of E.
So bend the knee, say thou and thee, and keep your hands off me."

And all around her now, there's miles and miles of wire,
With mikes, and speakers, sound desks, and other things quite dire.
The organ's gone for scrap, it's now drums, guitars and wind,
And Mrs. Beamish seethes, for she's certain that they've sinned.

"Don't you dare shake hands with me, or turn to me and smile,
Or you'll wake up spitting teeth out, face downwards in the aisle.
You go one inch too far, and you'll be wearing your guitar,
Take one step in my direction, and you'll need a resurrection.

So don't whisper "peace be with you", this is the C of E
Just bend the knee, say thou and thee, and keep your hands off me."

Contributed

Race night report

The race night in aid of the Longparish Skate Park Fund was a great success with over £700 raised. The final total will be in next month's edition.

Everyone thought that the food was brilliant. A big thank you to Fiona Gould, for all her help and for organising the food, to Fiona, Jo Clear, Mary Jo Darrah, Brigitte Graham, Gloria Goodliffe and Jenny Jolliffe, , who provided it and to Lyn, Matthew and Jo Neal and Maggie Barber for their help on the night. Thanks to Nigel Jackson for donating 3 large trout, my wife Maria for preparing them and Elaine Mancini at the Cricketers for cooking them as our oven was too small.

Thanks to Stewart Roberts and David Gould for running the bar, and to Jeremy Barber and Carl Neal for running the tote. Thanks to Roy Sands for duplicating the race cards.

Last of all a big thankyou to everyone who supported it and turned up to make it such a successful evening.

Jim Neal